you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
