The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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