...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
