Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
