Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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