Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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