My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
