Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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