I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
