Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
