I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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