Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
