My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
