Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
