It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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