The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
