just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
