Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the condom got lost in my hair
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
