Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
