I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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