There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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