she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
