Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
