i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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