you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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