I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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