also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
