just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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