I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
