I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
