my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
