You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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