I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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