I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
