at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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