im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
