just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
