no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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