I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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