so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
