Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
