I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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