ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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