I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
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Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
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