Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize