listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
