shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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