Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
