At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm always down for nudity.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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