Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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