did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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