A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
