roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
