Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?