Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
